( by the time the metros and raiders game rolls around, Ilya isn't really sure where he and Shane stand. they've started to text again, too stubborn to let go even though they both know they should, but there's still an undercurrent of something that's off. like an out-of-the-blue text of 'that play against hunter was elder abuse' is the 'i miss you so fucking much' that it's meant to be.
he shouldn't be happy when shane and rose break up because the tabloids are assholes about it to shane, but he'd be lying if he said he wasn't.
he is happy for this game, unlike the last two. he's back on the ice, back in his element, even if the montreal crowd boos the second he's on the ice. )
Hi, pretty, ( he drawls low between them, winks before the puck drops because ilya rozanov plays dirty if he has to to win the face off. he cackles as he skates off with the puck, knowing hollander looks like an angry kitten once the shock has worn off. this time it feels different on the ice, feels like something is right by the time they've played the first period. playing against shane hollander has always been one of ilya's favorite things on the ice, has always made him feel alive. this time it doesn't hurt. this time every time they battle for the puck, every time they brush past each other feels like before.
the raiders win and ilya's grinning because he scored the last two goals, got one in right before the buzzer to take the raiders to victory.
he's riding the high after even if he skips drinks with the guys, instead catching a cab to the familiar building with the murder alleyway. )
You need to get access code thing so I don't have to wait outside to be mugged,( he texts when he's there. normal. fine. not like he wants to buzz out of his skin and touch shane again after they'd played like that, like them. shane had wanted to talk and they-- they need to figure this out. ilya wants to figure it out. except he wants it to actually work which feels like a fucking pipe dream, like an impossibility because of hockey and russia and ilya's dying father. and if they do the smart fucking thing, this is it and he wants one more moment before that to ride the high before the crash. )
[ Shane doesn't tell Ilya that he and Rose broke up. He can't bring himself to do so. He figures he's got the tabloids doing it for him anyway and if he tells Ilya himself, it would mean something entirely different. It would mean too much.
It would mean a green light.
Shane can tell Ilya knows, as soon as they hit the ice. Ilya's eyes are bright and catch his own, so different from the way they were avoiding the last time. He knows Ilya knows, because of that goddamn comment, and it throws Shane off so wickedly, just for that moment. He's angry about it, but it also feels good. It feels like how things are supposed to be. He should be angrier about losing the game, but... he knows what's coming afterwards and he's buzzing with nervous, excited energy.
It's that terrible, wonderful thing all over again.
He's nearly climbing the walls by the time the text comes through, and he heads down the stairs like a goddamn eager puppy. This is such a sharp, drastic change from the last time they saw each other. Shane tries not to think too hard about that, but he isn't foolish enough to think that nothing has changed between them.]
I'll consider it. Maybe the code can be 8124.
[He's opening the door a moment later, reaching out to drag Ilya in.]
( ilya is tempted to tell Shane that his number should go first because then the code would really be ‘69’ which is a fact that delights him and he only learned recently.
he lets himself be dragged in instead, can’t help but to crowd into Shane’s space before he can think better of it. hands on shane’s hips, eager to touch even when there’s a looming shadow. for now he’s wearing a delighted grin, a bit smug at having his words chirped back at him that it makes a laugh boom from his chest. ) No, you’re the pretty one.
( pretty, beautiful, handsome. a bunch of different words that ilya doesn’t know in english and hates how they sound on his tongue when he tries to replace them with something he knows. ) Cute too. When angry like kitten because you lost to me.
[ Shane would have very intensely rolled his eyes at that-- with a smile on his face.
Ilya is in his space now, and everything feels electric. Just like last time, he feels like he can breathe again. He knows they should talk first, they should do a lot of things first, but when Ilya's hands land on his hips so eagerly, all those words leave him. His hand find their way to Ilya's hips as well, tugging him in closer. ]
Kitten? Shut up.
[He smiles, shaking his head. He shifts in a little closer.]
Yes. Like a tiny kitten. ( if asked, ilya will insist that he has at least a centimeter of height on shane. he’s bigger where it matters for the only man bouncing on his cock.
Which is a visual he probably shouldn’t let linger, but— ) Yes. What is my reward?
( on top of the sweet taste of victory, surely he deserves something when he’s being so good about not bringing up rose landry or pressing shane into the wall. )
Tiny kittens aren't very sexy. Is that what you're saying?
[Shane smirks, eyes bright. They haven't been like this in months. So many months. The weight of it all has been crushing him so completely and now he feels...]
Anything you want.
[A dangerous thing, but he's feeling good tonight. Generous. Even after a loss. Imagine that.
He lets go of Ilya's shirt, but instead takes his hand and starts leading him up the stairs to his place.]
Have you never heard of a sex kitten? You are very sexy. ( which isn’t off limits, is it? cosmo and the hoards of women drooling over Shane’s Calvin Klein ads think so.
Shane’s answer has him feeling lighter, a tightness in his chest lifting. anything he wants is—- is a lot. it’s too much. it’s an offer that Shane really shouldn’t make when Ilya can’t get himself to think of this just like it was before even if he could just take Shane straight to bed. ) I am very greedy man, Hollander. Be careful.
( he squeezes Shane’s hand as they go up the stairs, lets himself be led up the stairs and inside where he kicks off his shoes. there’s a jacket to strip out of but he doesn’t really want to let go of Shane’s hand. he crowds him into a glass wall instead, one hand on his chest and the other back at his hip. They should talk. Ilya leans in to press their foreheads together instead. ) This okay?
[But he still feels heat on his cheeks when Ilya calls him sexy. It shouldn't get him to react in that kind of way anymore, he knows it, but...the way Ilya sees him always has Shane feeling warm inside.
He knows his offer is a lot, but... maybe he wants it to be.]
Maybe...I don't want to be so careful anymore.
[His words scare him, and he can feel it in the way his heart beat speeds up. He's glad he has a moment to collect his thoughts as they head inside. Not too long of a moment though, with Ilya pushing him against the wall, leaning in so close that Shane can feel his breath on his lips.
They should talk. He knows this.]
Very okay.
[His hands settle back on Ilya's hips, fingers curling in the fabric there.]
I uh... I think that you probably know this already. But- I don't have a girlfriend anymore.
No? No more Mr. Careful? ( there’s a huge part of ilya that finds himself hopeful at that, that feels his heart jump in his throat but he also knows that careful means two different things to them. that they need to talk.
he hums when shane answers instead, ) Yes. I heard.
( he‘d been following, he’d been hoping. he wants to lean in to it, to take what’s supposed to be his and theirs and just—-
he wants to scream.
he kisses the corner of shane’s mouth instead. ) We should talk.
[This. Does he mean sex? Does he mean giving Ilya what he wants in the bedroom? Does he mean in life? Maybe he's still trying to figure that out as well, but denying Ilya anything right now, after these tumultuous months... it feels wrong.
He breathes out slowly when Ilya says he's heard. Feels like another weight off his shoulder. Does that mean there's nothing holding them back anymore, like that last time they were together in Shane's hotel room? He isn't sure- but that's how he wants it to be.]
Yeah...
[He says somewhere in there, tilting his head to kiss Ilya- for the first time in what feels like far too long.]
We should.
[But he doesn't really stop either. His arms loop around Ilya to pull him closer, kissing him a little deeper each time.]
(this. he’s not sure what it means, not sure it’s clear. there’s what he hopes — what he wants — then there’s reality, there’s the skeptical part of ilya that’s still the wounded animal that drives him to live only in the moment without attachments that can hurt.
except it’s too late.
ilya is in deep.
so he kisses, he keeps a hand on Shane’s side and another that slides over his pec. they kiss even then they should talk, should stop. they’re never good at this. fuck, ilya has always wanted to not talk. had plied shane into staying with sex instead of a conversation. and where that has led.
he pulls away from Shane’s lips but it’s his jaw that Ilya kisses next, then his neck. he wants to leave his mark, wants - wants - wants.
eventually he stops, tucks his face into shane’s neck and just breathes him in. ) I can’t watch you leave again.
[Shane realizes they night in the club that he might be in deep as well. Not too deep, he had hoped, but then that night they spent at the hotel together told him everything left that he needed to know.
And they really should talk, but he can't stop kissing, can't stop sliding his hands up under Ilya's shirt just to feel more of him. He's so warm and real under his fingers. Shane doesn't want to let go.
He groans softly when Ilya's kisses travel down his neck, wanting so much more as well. Everything, his brain supplies. He wants everything and it's too much, but never enough.
Ilya's words, as he buries his face into his neck- they make his heart squeeze tight.
I can't, Shane has said before. Now Ilya is saying it in a completely different way.]
I...
[He swallows thickly, closing his eyes and burying his face in Ilya's hair.]
( there’s a prickling in ilya’s eyes that he is glad shane can’t see. he keeps himself tucked away in the crook of shane’s neck, trying to will the feeling away. he hates the thought of him seeing this, of how weak ilya can be around him because he wants so much.
and then shane says words that could be a promise and somehow it’s better, somehow it’s worse. ) You are really fucking stupid if you don’t walk away, Hollander.
( because russia, because their careers. they’re both really fucking stupid that they’re here right now but ilya doesn’t want to be anywhere else. he wants the high of tonight again, wants to feel shane’s lips against his own and feel and have and keep.
he stays wrapped around shane, hands on his skin like the touch is a lifeline and breathes him in. )
[ Shane is pretty sure he can hear a shift in Ilya's voice. Something under the surface that has his own eyes prickling a little. He doesn't want this to be such an impossible thing.
He breathes out slowly, combing his fingers through Ilya's perfect curls. ]
Then I guess I am. Because I still don't want to leave.
[He shakes his head, lifting it, even if Ilya's head still remains tucked away in his shoulder. Shane wants to look into his eyes, but he gets it.]
( ilya tenses for another moment, feels shane move and takes a deep breath against his skin. he wants to breathe him in, wants to keep him inside his lungs and his heart.
the words shouldn't hurt.
and at the same time-- )
You are lucky that I am also very fucking stupid. ( he hates that his voice sounds a little wet as he lifts his head, presses his forehead to shane's. ) We have hit our heads too many times.
It was torture. ( like agony, like the sort of thing that ilya's only read about in the books he'd been forced to when he'd been in school still. all about that bone deep sadness, that sense of loss of something you can't have that wraps so nicely into one word in his mother-tongue but he can't figure out in english. ) It's also dangerous.
Not because of-- Not because of what would happen here if anyone finds out. ( because of russia, because ilya's from a place where he'd never be able to go back. and as much as he hates the place that is his birthland, he'd miss it if he can't ever see his mother's grave again. he already misses her so much.
he remains where he is, breathing in shane's air. the kiss tastes wet when shane kisses him and ilya wants to pull back. he doesn't, not this time. doesn't let shane run either though he knows he won't.
he feels like a fool but--- ) I love you.
( mumbled against shane's lips, a truth that hurts so badly and a hope all at once. )
[Shane repeats, because it's true. It was the worst thing- probably even worse for Ilya because he was watching it all go down. Him leaving, dating Rose, the club that night. Shane felt terrible, but he had put himself in that spot, and he had put Ilya there too.
But Ilya's right. It's dangerous.]
I know. I know it is.
[He breathes in Ilya's air. He wants to understand- to tell Ilya that he tries to do so. That he knows it could never be that easy. But then-- those words. It feels like everything around them stops. It feels like he finally understands all of it. What else is there but this?]
Holy shit...
[he breathes out, sliding his hands to Ilya's face, cupping his cheeks. That's what all of this has been. He knows it now, hearing those words out loud.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2025-12-16 12:27 am (UTC)he shouldn't be happy when shane and rose break up because the tabloids are assholes about it to shane, but he'd be lying if he said he wasn't.
he is happy for this game, unlike the last two. he's back on the ice, back in his element, even if the montreal crowd boos the second he's on the ice. )
Hi, pretty, ( he drawls low between them, winks before the puck drops because ilya rozanov plays dirty if he has to to win the face off. he cackles as he skates off with the puck, knowing hollander looks like an angry kitten once the shock has worn off. this time it feels different on the ice, feels like something is right by the time they've played the first period. playing against shane hollander has always been one of ilya's favorite things on the ice, has always made him feel alive. this time it doesn't hurt. this time every time they battle for the puck, every time they brush past each other feels like before.
the raiders win and ilya's grinning because he scored the last two goals, got one in right before the buzzer to take the raiders to victory.
he's riding the high after even if he skips drinks with the guys, instead catching a cab to the familiar building with the murder alleyway. )
You need to get access code thing so I don't have to wait outside to be mugged, ( he texts when he's there. normal. fine. not like he wants to buzz out of his skin and touch shane again after they'd played like that, like them. shane had wanted to talk and they-- they need to figure this out. ilya wants to figure it out. except he wants it to actually work which feels like a fucking pipe dream, like an impossibility because of hockey and russia and ilya's dying father. and if they do the smart fucking thing, this is it and he wants one more moment before that to ride the high before the crash. )
no subject
Date: 2025-12-16 12:47 am (UTC)It would mean a green light.
Shane can tell Ilya knows, as soon as they hit the ice. Ilya's eyes are bright and catch his own, so different from the way they were avoiding the last time. He knows Ilya knows, because of that goddamn comment, and it throws Shane off so wickedly, just for that moment. He's angry about it, but it also feels good. It feels like how things are supposed to be. He should be angrier about losing the game, but... he knows what's coming afterwards and he's buzzing with nervous, excited energy.
It's that terrible, wonderful thing all over again.
He's nearly climbing the walls by the time the text comes through, and he heads down the stairs like a goddamn eager puppy. This is such a sharp, drastic change from the last time they saw each other. Shane tries not to think too hard about that, but he isn't foolish enough to think that nothing has changed between them.]
I'll consider it. Maybe the code can be 8124.
[He's opening the door a moment later, reaching out to drag Ilya in.]
Hey, pretty.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-16 01:09 am (UTC)he lets himself be dragged in instead, can’t help but to crowd into Shane’s space before he can think better of it. hands on shane’s hips, eager to touch even when there’s a looming shadow. for now he’s wearing a delighted grin, a bit smug at having his words chirped back at him that it makes a laugh boom from his chest. ) No, you’re the pretty one.
( pretty, beautiful, handsome. a bunch of different words that ilya doesn’t know in english and hates how they sound on his tongue when he tries to replace them with something he knows. ) Cute too. When angry like kitten because you lost to me.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-16 01:39 am (UTC)Ilya is in his space now, and everything feels electric. Just like last time, he feels like he can breathe again. He knows they should talk first, they should do a lot of things first, but when Ilya's hands land on his hips so eagerly, all those words leave him. His hand find their way to Ilya's hips as well, tugging him in closer. ]
Kitten? Shut up.
[He smiles, shaking his head. He shifts in a little closer.]
You played well tonight.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-16 02:05 am (UTC)Which is a visual he probably shouldn’t let linger, but— ) Yes. What is my reward?
( on top of the sweet taste of victory, surely he deserves something when he’s being so good about not bringing up rose landry or pressing shane into the wall. )
no subject
Date: 2025-12-16 02:11 am (UTC)[Shane smirks, eyes bright. They haven't been like this in months. So many months. The weight of it all has been crushing him so completely and now he feels...]
Anything you want.
[A dangerous thing, but he's feeling good tonight. Generous. Even after a loss. Imagine that.
He lets go of Ilya's shirt, but instead takes his hand and starts leading him up the stairs to his place.]
C'mon.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-16 02:37 am (UTC)Shane’s answer has him feeling lighter, a tightness in his chest lifting. anything he wants is—- is a lot. it’s too much. it’s an offer that Shane really shouldn’t make when Ilya can’t get himself to think of this just like it was before even if he could just take Shane straight to bed. ) I am very greedy man, Hollander. Be careful.
( he squeezes Shane’s hand as they go up the stairs, lets himself be led up the stairs and inside where he kicks off his shoes. there’s a jacket to strip out of but he doesn’t really want to let go of Shane’s hand. he crowds him into a glass wall instead, one hand on his chest and the other back at his hip. They should talk. Ilya leans in to press their foreheads together instead. ) This okay?
no subject
Date: 2025-12-16 02:57 am (UTC)[But he still feels heat on his cheeks when Ilya calls him sexy. It shouldn't get him to react in that kind of way anymore, he knows it, but...the way Ilya sees him always has Shane feeling warm inside.
He knows his offer is a lot, but... maybe he wants it to be.]
Maybe...I don't want to be so careful anymore.
[His words scare him, and he can feel it in the way his heart beat speeds up. He's glad he has a moment to collect his thoughts as they head inside. Not too long of a moment though, with Ilya pushing him against the wall, leaning in so close that Shane can feel his breath on his lips.
They should talk. He knows this.]
Very okay.
[His hands settle back on Ilya's hips, fingers curling in the fabric there.]
I uh... I think that you probably know this already. But- I don't have a girlfriend anymore.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-17 05:12 pm (UTC)he hums when shane answers instead, ) Yes. I heard.
( he‘d been following, he’d been hoping. he wants to lean in to it, to take what’s supposed to be his and theirs and just—-
he wants to scream.
he kisses the corner of shane’s mouth instead. ) We should talk.
( but he does it again, then again. )
no subject
Date: 2025-12-17 09:39 pm (UTC)[This. Does he mean sex? Does he mean giving Ilya what he wants in the bedroom? Does he mean in life? Maybe he's still trying to figure that out as well, but denying Ilya anything right now, after these tumultuous months... it feels wrong.
He breathes out slowly when Ilya says he's heard. Feels like another weight off his shoulder. Does that mean there's nothing holding them back anymore, like that last time they were together in Shane's hotel room? He isn't sure- but that's how he wants it to be.]
Yeah...
[He says somewhere in there, tilting his head to kiss Ilya- for the first time in what feels like far too long.]
We should.
[But he doesn't really stop either. His arms loop around Ilya to pull him closer, kissing him a little deeper each time.]
no subject
Date: 2025-12-18 03:55 am (UTC)except it’s too late.
ilya is in deep.
so he kisses, he keeps a hand on Shane’s side and another that slides over his pec. they kiss even then they should talk, should stop. they’re never good at this. fuck, ilya has always wanted to not talk. had plied shane into staying with sex instead of a conversation. and where that has led.
he pulls away from Shane’s lips but it’s his jaw that Ilya kisses next, then his neck. he wants to leave his mark, wants - wants - wants.
eventually he stops, tucks his face into shane’s neck and just breathes him in. ) I can’t watch you leave again.
no rush, just bumping this in case you didnt get the notif!! <3
Date: 2025-12-18 02:58 pm (UTC)And they really should talk, but he can't stop kissing, can't stop sliding his hands up under Ilya's shirt just to feel more of him. He's so warm and real under his fingers. Shane doesn't want to let go.
He groans softly when Ilya's kisses travel down his neck, wanting so much more as well. Everything, his brain supplies. He wants everything and it's too much, but never enough.
Ilya's words, as he buries his face into his neck- they make his heart squeeze tight.
I can't, Shane has said before. Now Ilya is saying it in a completely different way.]
I...
[He swallows thickly, closing his eyes and burying his face in Ilya's hair.]
I don't want to leave.
it seems notifs do, in fact, hate me
Date: 2025-12-22 06:46 pm (UTC)and then shane says words that could be a promise and somehow it’s better, somehow it’s worse. ) You are really fucking stupid if you don’t walk away, Hollander.
( because russia, because their careers. they’re both really fucking stupid that they’re here right now but ilya doesn’t want to be anywhere else. he wants the high of tonight again, wants to feel shane’s lips against his own and feel and have and keep.
he stays wrapped around shane, hands on his skin like the touch is a lifeline and breathes him in. )
oh no!! i will bump things from time to time then, just in case xD
Date: 2025-12-22 08:06 pm (UTC)He breathes out slowly, combing his fingers through Ilya's perfect curls. ]
Then I guess I am. Because I still don't want to leave.
[He shakes his head, lifting it, even if Ilya's head still remains tucked away in his shoulder. Shane wants to look into his eyes, but he gets it.]
I want to be here. With you.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-22 09:14 pm (UTC)the words shouldn't hurt.
and at the same time-- )
You are lucky that I am also very fucking stupid. ( he hates that his voice sounds a little wet as he lifts his head, presses his forehead to shane's. ) We have hit our heads too many times.
🫣
Date: 2025-12-23 01:44 am (UTC)[He presses his forehead against Ilya's as well, just for a moment though, before he kisses it so tenderly.]
But if this is being stupid, then I'd rather be, because those months where we didn't even talk... I couldn't stand it.
[He kisses Ilya's nose next, then his lips.]
And it make me realize that there's no way around this.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-08 01:37 am (UTC)Not because of-- Not because of what would happen here if anyone finds out. ( because of russia, because ilya's from a place where he'd never be able to go back. and as much as he hates the place that is his birthland, he'd miss it if he can't ever see his mother's grave again. he already misses her so much.
he remains where he is, breathing in shane's air. the kiss tastes wet when shane kisses him and ilya wants to pull back. he doesn't, not this time. doesn't let shane run either though he knows he won't.
he feels like a fool but--- ) I love you.
( mumbled against shane's lips, a truth that hurts so badly and a hope all at once. )
no subject
Date: 2026-01-11 08:09 am (UTC)[Shane repeats, because it's true. It was the worst thing- probably even worse for Ilya because he was watching it all go down. Him leaving, dating Rose, the club that night. Shane felt terrible, but he had put himself in that spot, and he had put Ilya there too.
But Ilya's right. It's dangerous.]
I know. I know it is.
[He breathes in Ilya's air. He wants to understand- to tell Ilya that he tries to do so. That he knows it could never be that easy. But then-- those words. It feels like everything around them stops. It feels like he finally understands all of it. What else is there but this?]
Holy shit...
[he breathes out, sliding his hands to Ilya's face, cupping his cheeks. That's what all of this has been. He knows it now, hearing those words out loud.]
I love you too.