It was torture. ( like agony, like the sort of thing that ilya's only read about in the books he'd been forced to when he'd been in school still. all about that bone deep sadness, that sense of loss of something you can't have that wraps so nicely into one word in his mother-tongue but he can't figure out in english. ) It's also dangerous.
Not because of-- Not because of what would happen here if anyone finds out. ( because of russia, because ilya's from a place where he'd never be able to go back. and as much as he hates the place that is his birthland, he'd miss it if he can't ever see his mother's grave again. he already misses her so much.
he remains where he is, breathing in shane's air. the kiss tastes wet when shane kisses him and ilya wants to pull back. he doesn't, not this time. doesn't let shane run either though he knows he won't.
he feels like a fool but--- ) I love you.
( mumbled against shane's lips, a truth that hurts so badly and a hope all at once. )
[Shane repeats, because it's true. It was the worst thing- probably even worse for Ilya because he was watching it all go down. Him leaving, dating Rose, the club that night. Shane felt terrible, but he had put himself in that spot, and he had put Ilya there too.
But Ilya's right. It's dangerous.]
I know. I know it is.
[He breathes in Ilya's air. He wants to understand- to tell Ilya that he tries to do so. That he knows it could never be that easy. But then-- those words. It feels like everything around them stops. It feels like he finally understands all of it. What else is there but this?]
Holy shit...
[he breathes out, sliding his hands to Ilya's face, cupping his cheeks. That's what all of this has been. He knows it now, hearing those words out loud.]
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Date: 2025-12-23 01:44 am (UTC)[He presses his forehead against Ilya's as well, just for a moment though, before he kisses it so tenderly.]
But if this is being stupid, then I'd rather be, because those months where we didn't even talk... I couldn't stand it.
[He kisses Ilya's nose next, then his lips.]
And it make me realize that there's no way around this.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-08 01:37 am (UTC)Not because of-- Not because of what would happen here if anyone finds out. ( because of russia, because ilya's from a place where he'd never be able to go back. and as much as he hates the place that is his birthland, he'd miss it if he can't ever see his mother's grave again. he already misses her so much.
he remains where he is, breathing in shane's air. the kiss tastes wet when shane kisses him and ilya wants to pull back. he doesn't, not this time. doesn't let shane run either though he knows he won't.
he feels like a fool but--- ) I love you.
( mumbled against shane's lips, a truth that hurts so badly and a hope all at once. )
no subject
Date: 2026-01-11 08:09 am (UTC)[Shane repeats, because it's true. It was the worst thing- probably even worse for Ilya because he was watching it all go down. Him leaving, dating Rose, the club that night. Shane felt terrible, but he had put himself in that spot, and he had put Ilya there too.
But Ilya's right. It's dangerous.]
I know. I know it is.
[He breathes in Ilya's air. He wants to understand- to tell Ilya that he tries to do so. That he knows it could never be that easy. But then-- those words. It feels like everything around them stops. It feels like he finally understands all of it. What else is there but this?]
Holy shit...
[he breathes out, sliding his hands to Ilya's face, cupping his cheeks. That's what all of this has been. He knows it now, hearing those words out loud.]
I love you too.