[This. Does he mean sex? Does he mean giving Ilya what he wants in the bedroom? Does he mean in life? Maybe he's still trying to figure that out as well, but denying Ilya anything right now, after these tumultuous months... it feels wrong.
He breathes out slowly when Ilya says he's heard. Feels like another weight off his shoulder. Does that mean there's nothing holding them back anymore, like that last time they were together in Shane's hotel room? He isn't sure- but that's how he wants it to be.]
Yeah...
[He says somewhere in there, tilting his head to kiss Ilya- for the first time in what feels like far too long.]
We should.
[But he doesn't really stop either. His arms loop around Ilya to pull him closer, kissing him a little deeper each time.]
(this. he’s not sure what it means, not sure it’s clear. there’s what he hopes — what he wants — then there’s reality, there’s the skeptical part of ilya that’s still the wounded animal that drives him to live only in the moment without attachments that can hurt.
except it’s too late.
ilya is in deep.
so he kisses, he keeps a hand on Shane’s side and another that slides over his pec. they kiss even then they should talk, should stop. they’re never good at this. fuck, ilya has always wanted to not talk. had plied shane into staying with sex instead of a conversation. and where that has led.
he pulls away from Shane’s lips but it’s his jaw that Ilya kisses next, then his neck. he wants to leave his mark, wants - wants - wants.
eventually he stops, tucks his face into shane’s neck and just breathes him in. ) I can’t watch you leave again.
[Shane realizes they night in the club that he might be in deep as well. Not too deep, he had hoped, but then that night they spent at the hotel together told him everything left that he needed to know.
And they really should talk, but he can't stop kissing, can't stop sliding his hands up under Ilya's shirt just to feel more of him. He's so warm and real under his fingers. Shane doesn't want to let go.
He groans softly when Ilya's kisses travel down his neck, wanting so much more as well. Everything, his brain supplies. He wants everything and it's too much, but never enough.
Ilya's words, as he buries his face into his neck- they make his heart squeeze tight.
I can't, Shane has said before. Now Ilya is saying it in a completely different way.]
I...
[He swallows thickly, closing his eyes and burying his face in Ilya's hair.]
( there’s a prickling in ilya’s eyes that he is glad shane can’t see. he keeps himself tucked away in the crook of shane’s neck, trying to will the feeling away. he hates the thought of him seeing this, of how weak ilya can be around him because he wants so much.
and then shane says words that could be a promise and somehow it’s better, somehow it’s worse. ) You are really fucking stupid if you don’t walk away, Hollander.
( because russia, because their careers. they’re both really fucking stupid that they’re here right now but ilya doesn’t want to be anywhere else. he wants the high of tonight again, wants to feel shane’s lips against his own and feel and have and keep.
he stays wrapped around shane, hands on his skin like the touch is a lifeline and breathes him in. )
[ Shane is pretty sure he can hear a shift in Ilya's voice. Something under the surface that has his own eyes prickling a little. He doesn't want this to be such an impossible thing.
He breathes out slowly, combing his fingers through Ilya's perfect curls. ]
Then I guess I am. Because I still don't want to leave.
[He shakes his head, lifting it, even if Ilya's head still remains tucked away in his shoulder. Shane wants to look into his eyes, but he gets it.]
( ilya tenses for another moment, feels shane move and takes a deep breath against his skin. he wants to breathe him in, wants to keep him inside his lungs and his heart.
the words shouldn't hurt.
and at the same time-- )
You are lucky that I am also very fucking stupid. ( he hates that his voice sounds a little wet as he lifts his head, presses his forehead to shane's. ) We have hit our heads too many times.
It was torture. ( like agony, like the sort of thing that ilya's only read about in the books he'd been forced to when he'd been in school still. all about that bone deep sadness, that sense of loss of something you can't have that wraps so nicely into one word in his mother-tongue but he can't figure out in english. ) It's also dangerous.
Not because of-- Not because of what would happen here if anyone finds out. ( because of russia, because ilya's from a place where he'd never be able to go back. and as much as he hates the place that is his birthland, he'd miss it if he can't ever see his mother's grave again. he already misses her so much.
he remains where he is, breathing in shane's air. the kiss tastes wet when shane kisses him and ilya wants to pull back. he doesn't, not this time. doesn't let shane run either though he knows he won't.
he feels like a fool but--- ) I love you.
( mumbled against shane's lips, a truth that hurts so badly and a hope all at once. )
[Shane repeats, because it's true. It was the worst thing- probably even worse for Ilya because he was watching it all go down. Him leaving, dating Rose, the club that night. Shane felt terrible, but he had put himself in that spot, and he had put Ilya there too.
But Ilya's right. It's dangerous.]
I know. I know it is.
[He breathes in Ilya's air. He wants to understand- to tell Ilya that he tries to do so. That he knows it could never be that easy. But then-- those words. It feels like everything around them stops. It feels like he finally understands all of it. What else is there but this?]
Holy shit...
[he breathes out, sliding his hands to Ilya's face, cupping his cheeks. That's what all of this has been. He knows it now, hearing those words out loud.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2025-12-17 09:39 pm (UTC)[This. Does he mean sex? Does he mean giving Ilya what he wants in the bedroom? Does he mean in life? Maybe he's still trying to figure that out as well, but denying Ilya anything right now, after these tumultuous months... it feels wrong.
He breathes out slowly when Ilya says he's heard. Feels like another weight off his shoulder. Does that mean there's nothing holding them back anymore, like that last time they were together in Shane's hotel room? He isn't sure- but that's how he wants it to be.]
Yeah...
[He says somewhere in there, tilting his head to kiss Ilya- for the first time in what feels like far too long.]
We should.
[But he doesn't really stop either. His arms loop around Ilya to pull him closer, kissing him a little deeper each time.]
no subject
Date: 2025-12-18 03:55 am (UTC)except it’s too late.
ilya is in deep.
so he kisses, he keeps a hand on Shane’s side and another that slides over his pec. they kiss even then they should talk, should stop. they’re never good at this. fuck, ilya has always wanted to not talk. had plied shane into staying with sex instead of a conversation. and where that has led.
he pulls away from Shane’s lips but it’s his jaw that Ilya kisses next, then his neck. he wants to leave his mark, wants - wants - wants.
eventually he stops, tucks his face into shane’s neck and just breathes him in. ) I can’t watch you leave again.
no rush, just bumping this in case you didnt get the notif!! <3
Date: 2025-12-18 02:58 pm (UTC)And they really should talk, but he can't stop kissing, can't stop sliding his hands up under Ilya's shirt just to feel more of him. He's so warm and real under his fingers. Shane doesn't want to let go.
He groans softly when Ilya's kisses travel down his neck, wanting so much more as well. Everything, his brain supplies. He wants everything and it's too much, but never enough.
Ilya's words, as he buries his face into his neck- they make his heart squeeze tight.
I can't, Shane has said before. Now Ilya is saying it in a completely different way.]
I...
[He swallows thickly, closing his eyes and burying his face in Ilya's hair.]
I don't want to leave.
it seems notifs do, in fact, hate me
Date: 2025-12-22 06:46 pm (UTC)and then shane says words that could be a promise and somehow it’s better, somehow it’s worse. ) You are really fucking stupid if you don’t walk away, Hollander.
( because russia, because their careers. they’re both really fucking stupid that they’re here right now but ilya doesn’t want to be anywhere else. he wants the high of tonight again, wants to feel shane’s lips against his own and feel and have and keep.
he stays wrapped around shane, hands on his skin like the touch is a lifeline and breathes him in. )
oh no!! i will bump things from time to time then, just in case xD
Date: 2025-12-22 08:06 pm (UTC)He breathes out slowly, combing his fingers through Ilya's perfect curls. ]
Then I guess I am. Because I still don't want to leave.
[He shakes his head, lifting it, even if Ilya's head still remains tucked away in his shoulder. Shane wants to look into his eyes, but he gets it.]
I want to be here. With you.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-22 09:14 pm (UTC)the words shouldn't hurt.
and at the same time-- )
You are lucky that I am also very fucking stupid. ( he hates that his voice sounds a little wet as he lifts his head, presses his forehead to shane's. ) We have hit our heads too many times.
🫣
Date: 2025-12-23 01:44 am (UTC)[He presses his forehead against Ilya's as well, just for a moment though, before he kisses it so tenderly.]
But if this is being stupid, then I'd rather be, because those months where we didn't even talk... I couldn't stand it.
[He kisses Ilya's nose next, then his lips.]
And it make me realize that there's no way around this.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-08 01:37 am (UTC)Not because of-- Not because of what would happen here if anyone finds out. ( because of russia, because ilya's from a place where he'd never be able to go back. and as much as he hates the place that is his birthland, he'd miss it if he can't ever see his mother's grave again. he already misses her so much.
he remains where he is, breathing in shane's air. the kiss tastes wet when shane kisses him and ilya wants to pull back. he doesn't, not this time. doesn't let shane run either though he knows he won't.
he feels like a fool but--- ) I love you.
( mumbled against shane's lips, a truth that hurts so badly and a hope all at once. )
no subject
Date: 2026-01-11 08:09 am (UTC)[Shane repeats, because it's true. It was the worst thing- probably even worse for Ilya because he was watching it all go down. Him leaving, dating Rose, the club that night. Shane felt terrible, but he had put himself in that spot, and he had put Ilya there too.
But Ilya's right. It's dangerous.]
I know. I know it is.
[He breathes in Ilya's air. He wants to understand- to tell Ilya that he tries to do so. That he knows it could never be that easy. But then-- those words. It feels like everything around them stops. It feels like he finally understands all of it. What else is there but this?]
Holy shit...
[he breathes out, sliding his hands to Ilya's face, cupping his cheeks. That's what all of this has been. He knows it now, hearing those words out loud.]
I love you too.